I cling too much. I cling to the things I am most familiar to, to the country I belong to, and to the people who know me too much. I hate breaking that bond which ties me to everything which I already know. I’ve had friendships with people all the way up to now where I did not feel I was treated right, nor that I am comfortable, but I held on as I walked by ‘the devil you know’. I had a couple of people who I trusted, but you know, as time passes, they all show you a reason or two why trust is something that can never be given to anyone, at least that is how I see it now. This summer, my closest friends are away from Amman. They either left it for good, have a summer term in a different country, or our friendship just faded away. I may not be specifically proud of this, but anyone who tried to be my friend in the last couple of years, have not really been welcomed. I avoided new friendships and new people, because I already had what I thought was enough. I did not really want more people to get used to. I am all in for new friends, just not those close ones who you really need in your life.
Today though, something happened. I woke up noticing that the people I texted in the morning so we can hang out, or the people who called me just to talk, are no longer doing that..It may be my fault or it may be theirs, but it may also be neither. Life has forced us to go each in a separate path and on a different journey. Our interests changed and our common grounds slowly started to shake under us. Were all those years wasted on people who are not going to be beside me for the years to come? Were all those laughs and tears that we shared fake? Were our friendship strings so weak that tension quickly broke them? No. All those years were gold. Memories that my heart will always cherish. I know, that in 20 years or more, hopefully, when we are all settled down and return to the same path, that our hearts will soften to each other, but for now, I should MOVE ON.
This realisation should have happened last year, but it took me a while. Took me a while to know that things have changed and to notice that everyone I clinged to, left.
I think it is time to start searching for people who match my current interests, desires and aims in life. It is time to move forward and stop looking for the faces that faded away. It is time to leave the square I have been standing on for two years now, thinking someone will come back to it. It is really time to just shake it off.